Saturday, October 25, 2014

Note to self - 10 things I simply cannot do

Dear Future-Me,
Please take note of the following points.

1. Wear white – Although I love the colour and the grace that flows out of it, I have my issues with it. There is just no way I can wear it without spilling food, dripping it in beverages or brushing again dirty walls and stuff. Even if I don’t dirty it, after 2,3 washes I don’t know why but it just starts to look like a rag cloth. So thou shall never again buy white unless it’s expensive enough to mandate dry cleaning.

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2. That perfect hairstyle – My hair has a life of its own. It just starts to come out of random places however neatly I try to wear it. I leave home looking like Miss India pageant and enter office looking like a gypsy who hasn’t combed for days. I go green with envy every time I spot these ladies with perfect glossy hair, not a strand out of place. Carrie Bradshaw rightly said, some women exist in this world merely to make us feel bad about ourselves. I have to make peace with the fact that I cannot be that perfectly hair styled lady, because any how after a few hours of fiercely pinned up hair, my head starts to ache like anything.

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3. Let Go – If ever I suspect/find out someone bad mouthing about me or passing a comment of me, my clothes basically anything remotely related to me. I just go crazy, simulating the entire thing in my mind. Why the thing was said, what could have been the possible reasons for saying the same, how could such a thing be said? Till the time this war is waging in my head I am unable to talk properly to that person. I do forget it after sometime on face but in mind I have a list and a motto of forgive but never forget.
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4. Not wear Kajal for more than a Week – I have been applying kajal since my college days almost regularly except for a few off days. My face has become so accustomed to kajal, that without it I look weird. Not weird but sick, dull and sheen-less. The number of health related questions I encounter from people on non-kohl days is frustrating. I have tried to break away from the shackles of mystic surma but not more than a week. Who would have thought that I simple kajal can make so much effect on your look. Some definition to the eyes and a jab of lip-gloss has been my standard makeup strategy since ages.
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5. Diet – I have tried various types of diets ~ the salad diet, the smoothie diet, no-carb diet, lean protein diet and the just-drink-lime juice diet. The one that lasted the longest was about spanning around 1 week and I was at my crankiest best. What helped was the fact that I was in morning shift with comparatively lesser human contact and sleeping early helped in skipping dinner. As soon as I shifted back to general shift, the food habits kicked right back in. The only think these diets have given me is a very nasty temper. The only way I can work these diets is with a strict helper/ training who will prepare small portion foods like sprouts, brown bead sandwiches, nuts, cut fruits and salads for me. Because let’s face it, diet food is way elaborate and tiresome than our normal daal chawal, khichdi and instant noodles. And me being a lazy bum, well, there is no way I am going to do so much of work!
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6. Sneeze like a lady – They say my sneeze has the power to bring people back from death or even make them dead with the impact of it. My sneeze is like a mini thunder. I get baffled by ladies who sneeze ever so lightly and then mutter an excuse me. It’s actually with that “excuse me” that you actually come to know that they have sneezed. I can never be that lady. I can never get satisfied with a teeny tiny sneeze, for me it should be full of drama – sharp inhalation with head jerked back and then full speed come back with huge exhalation and sound effects. Aaaaaah the relief!!

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7. Eat Cheeku – I have unsuccessfully tried to like eat this fruit several times. People have gushed about its sweetness and forcefully fed me. But however hard I try to like it, to be it just seems like eating sand. So granular and tch tch noise making.

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8. Speak out – I cannot just go on spilling details about me to anyone. That has never been me. My father taught me early in life, the more you speak the more trouble you are likely to get in. It’s always better to be a person of few words. I won’t say I am secretive, just the non-spilling type. Because the thought of people juicy gossiping over my heart-shared details with their other friends just makes me red with anger. And calling people telling them details of my mundane life is another activity out of my bounds. After a tiring day spent in doing exactly the same things I’d rather spend my day curled up in bed with a nice book.
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9. Live without Maggie – I am in love with this 2 min magic. So versatile. Make ‘em with veges, bits and shreds of chicken/mutton, chat masala or amchur, fry it up with onions, or just make it as is. There have been times when I have thought that I have had enough and can never eat a morsel of Maggie. But I have faithfully been back to it. It has saved me from dying via hunger. After all there is nothing much to be done – Just add garam pani :-)
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10. Drama-less – These just has to be some drama in my life. By means of clothes or a funky piece of jewellery, I just have to be different. Period

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Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Perfection Vs Imperfections

Whatever happened to falling in love with imperfections?  The pakoda nose, kajol like unibrow, the unconventional curly hairy, big black mole somewhere on the face, the crooked teeth, the love handles. All these things though considered to be a big no-no in the plastic world are very much a part of the real world. Accepting them as a part of a person should be easy or natural. But guess what, it isn’t. We make it a point to pin out these imperfections and divert out every iota of conviction and confidence inside that person. I say this with my great observation skills and well, sadly personal experiences.

John Gray, the author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is a brilliant man. No wonder his book sold out like billion copies. The supposed inhabitants of Mars (which would be men) are so unaware what goes inside a fellow Venusians mind. They just blurt out anything without even stopping to think for a moment on what could be its repercussions. And don’t let me start talking on most Mars-ians obsession with perfection. Especially when it comes to the dream woman. The high standards and picture they have in mind is omg head spinning. Lustrous hair, clear complexion, big melons, slender waist, washer board abs, toned legs and of course shy and homely. That’s your average man’s fantasy women. There are definitely such hotties out there but they do not out-number us unlucky plain janes.

Girls will definitely agree with me when I list out the issues being faced by the likes of us – the non-fantasy-girls. Our hair far from being lustrous resembles a bird’s nest on bad hair days (which is 4 days outta 7). Our skin is prone to zits and flair ups due to adult acne. The food we eat automatically all turns to fat with a special affinity towards our stomach, thighs and bum. Every night we vow not to apply kajal and every morning swiftly change our decision when the mirror has a totally washed out sick looking image to present. We drive our roomates crazy every morning by asking them again and again whether the top we are wearing is making us look fat or highlighting the muffin top near waist. We hate the pain inflicted on our bodies by means of threading & waxing and put off the monthly trips to parlours. This is done till the time friends, co-workers and enemies (mostly males, at least in my case!!) start making fun of the fact that we have mustache and beard. And that our bushy eyebrows makes us look like aliens. Some have been pretty direct by saying that – Girl you need to wax. Now. 

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Although I am not a girl who you can place into the plain jane category but trust me, I have been a witness and withholder of all these taunts and jokes. None of these jibes, however matches the hurt and the pain felt when someone comments on the fat at some parts of your body or the lack of it at other parts. And as far as I am concerned the timing of these comments is so bad that it literally makes me cry. After a long break I re-join the gym, feeling fabulous after sweating it out on the treadmill. In my mind I am already size zero. Then while I am sipping my green tea (which has recently been swapped with coffee) a particularly pesky co-worker comes up to my desk and comments on how big my biceps look in the sleeveless shirt I am wearing and how my thighs are even bigger than his. This pesky co-worker works out and has a fab body so I am not able to use my signature You-Look-at-yourself-bloody-loser comment. While I was busy killing him in different ways in my head, another guy very subtly suggested me to "do something" about my dry frizzy hair. All I could do was just get angry, give him a dirty look and hit him lightly. Lightly because his muscular body bounces and hits be back.  But on my inside I had already murdered him with burning rage, spilled the hot stupid tasteless green tea across his face and drowned myself in dark chocolates while sobbing at the top of my voice.

I go crazy zooming in and out on pictures especially of events, functions and picnics. These mass shared pictures always have a particularly unflattering picture of mine. Taken from an angle that makes them thighs look thunderous. While sitting face all smiling the tummy area is captured to have multiple layers of fat of which by then I was totally unaware. Then there are always the mouth open, crazy smiling, red eye pictures which keep you awake in the night ~ the thought that you may delete them from your folder but they are there in everybody else’s. In times like this you need someone to utter reassuring words which will instil a beam of new confidence in you. Make your now reluctant feet to cross the threshold of this place called Gym. But my story is so sad that I am unlucky here as well. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a friend in office who plays agony aunt. But she has a weird way of silencing me. On Monday she comforts me by saying that I am not fat, it’s just that my arms are a little bit big for my frame. So far so good. On Tuesday she pacifies me by saying that in trousers my bum looks a little big. Ok. On Wednesday she soothes my tensions by saying that I just need to work on my thighs. Come Thursday and she tells me that if I work on my stomach, I will look perfect. On Friday she ends the week by saying that my double chin looks soo cute. On Saturday while lying on my bed I realize that she has officially, slowly, part by part called me fat without me even realizing it. Discreetly. Different yet not that different from the guys. 

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 Great, Makes me feel all the more bad (to put it mildly). I am not blinded, deep down I know I need to work on my body. But I want to keep it deep and bury it as far as possible. When someone just keeps on calling you fat in some way or the other, or jokes about it. Well it feels like someone sliced me up, sprinkled the wounds with salt & pepper and then just set me up on fire.
Now if you would just excuse me, I gotta go cry myself to sleep.


P.S This is officially the first time I have used crass words like “bum”, “melons”. But I thought that if songs can be made on it (Engine ki seete main maaro bum dhole) I should be able to use it in writing without any filters. As far as melons are concerned I have tried all my self-control not to talk about the taunts about them in detail. Anyhow this is just a small preview of the fact that this good girl has gone bad.