Adulting with Adult Acne

I try and think back to a time when I had clear baby skin. Smooth and supple. Without the cruel mark-ations left by years of Acne’s war against my skin. Since I grew up in a pre-smart phone generation, I don’t have many pictures to ponder and admire my pre-pimple life. Life. Yes. Having acne changes you as a person. It affects every aspect of your being. Your personal and professional life. You become more self-conscious and your confidence will hit an all-time low. You will get tired of people asking questions about why you have pimples. Ha, as if you the answer to that question. And you will get more tired of people offering unsolicited advices especially the garelu nuske.

After 16 years of continuous struggle with acne, I can proudly say that I have tried everything under the sun. So, I will start chronologically because aap chronology samajeye. Pimples are natural at the time of puberty and its very natural to treat them as naturally as possible at this stage. So, that’s where the first mistake was made. Every skin issue is different and can arise from various reasons. It is very important to take a dermatological opinion before irritating the hell out of your skin with neem ke patte. I had a lot of Safi and way lot of fullers' earth (multani mitti), masoor daal, neem (of course) face packs. The result of all this you ask? Well, let me just say that people who did not know my name in college conveniently addressed me as the-thin-girl-with-a-lot-of-pimples-on-her-face.

After college I shifted to Mumbai and my skin just couldn’t behave itself. I had a really bad spout of not just pimples now but open pores, blackheads, shiny oily skin and oh nasty painful oozing pustules. And not only on my face but back (bye-bye deep necks) and chest too. I had trouble sleeping because ouch these shitty things hurt like hell. I had trouble looking in the mirror. I had trouble clicking pictures (and I love taking pictures). I had trouble meeting new people. I had trouble taking baths because no matter how careful I was, one or two pimples always got burst. Meanwhile I went a little cray cray doing all sorts of self-medications like baking soda, toothpaste etc etc. Since my skin was oily, I though keeping it dry would simply just cure everything. It was only recently I came to know that over drying leads to more oil production and hence more pimply babies. Shucks. I generally slept in these concoctions and would naively believe I will wake up with clean and clear skin.

Me. Every-night back then

At this point of time I also took all advices given to me very seriously. So, when someone suggested to apply my saliva just after waking up till it dries, I did it. When an aunty randomly stopped me in a supermarket and told me to wash my face with a mixture of dried orange peel and nigella seeds – I quickly called up with parents and told them to do the needful. They kept this concoction ready in bottles for me to take back (Just remembered, I still have a few left :D). 

When situation became out of control – and by this, I mean less face and more pimples, I finally decided to see a doctor. Why the delay you ask? Because somehow with everyone around me saying “it gets better with age” - I started to believe this blatant lie too. May I add - I was well around my mid-twenties by this time. The doctor immediately put me on oral retinoid treatment. I was skeptical considering the side-effects but decided to go for it, nevertheless. Apart from the obvious side-effects (duly informed by the doctor) the medications made my skin super-duper sensitive. I was supposed to cover myself completely in the sun or else I would look like a tomato. Plus, my skin would literally peel so no waxing for like 6 months or so. Which when I think back was good only – try going to a parlor with pimples on your face and you will understand what I mean. Aap yeh karva lo clear ho jayega, aap wo khareed lo sab sahi ho jayega. Anyways, the medication did work, my skin cleared up and bought a smile to my face. Now people were all like “Wow, where are the pimples?” 

The in-progress picture

Oops celebrated too soon. Acne was back and with vengeance. It was also around the same time I noticed a lot of hair growth on my face. Now whether a side-effect of medicines or hormonal issues who knows. Just what I needed - as if pimples were not enough. Phew. This time I took the approach of internal healing. After-all what goes inside your body will reflect outside. So stopped salty, oily food. Cut-out dairy. Lots of water, salads, detox waters and the face packs were back too. Thankfully this time, there were a lot of editing tools available to hide the imperfections. My darling friend, the cool gal S (previously mentioned here) helped and still helps me choose the best pictures for uploading. All I have to do is send a bunch of pictures and she replies with the best one – editing at proper places. Not just removing marks and blemishes but if required she adds up a dash of lipstick or blush as well (attaching exhibits of her talent below). 

Uneven skin tone? No Problem

Pimple se No-Pimple

The dietary restrictions failed to show up any results, and with my shaadi less than a year ahead - it was time for a new doctor. This one was more into cosmetic procedures. No eating medicines but a lot of expensive Micellar waters, Antirougeurs cremes and so on. She also suggested laser treatment and chemical peels and I (desperate for results) and with my never-say-never attitude went for it. So, I undertook these laser treatment sittings which pricked my skin and pinched my pockets. Laser was still better but Chemical peel was extremely painful, and I could only tolerate one. Result as expected was good and I was pimple free on my D-Day. Although on my reception day, the makeup girl did remark “aap toh bahut hairy ho” while applying base-crème to my face, with my sister-in-law sitting right next to me.

But like all good things, my clear skin days did come to an end.

Next bout of acne was all over my jawline and chin which indicated hormonal issues. This time it was gynecologist visits which opened another can of worms. Cut to this day – the struggle continues. Now pimples don’t surprise or disappoint me. I have accepted them as a part of my life and face. I also don’t give much though before uploading pictures now. Ain’t no pimple gonna hurt anyone. Though over the years I now have some knowledge about what works for my skin and what doesn’t. I do basic cleansing, cleaning and hope for the best. My bouts somehow also match timings with important events like marriages, vacations, people visiting etc. Thankfully we now have makeup products specifically for sensitive acne prone skin, so that helps. People however continue to ask why I have pimples and even after 16 years I have no answers.

Le Sigh. 

Love:
Sepo

Of being inside a circle in a circus called love — or its subset called life.

The first thing that Rose did after getting news from Dionysus — of that-inebriated-fellow’s heart racing so fast that it stopped — was to open his cigarette box. The moment she took the cigarettes out of the box, one after another, and was staring at them, the moon too was gawking at her from the space in-between two curtains. On each cigarette, there was a cross.

Staring at the cross, Rose went back to reflect on the time gone by — a shadow that she thought had weakened over time. But, had it become faint or had it still the force to control her life? The reckless time of young and fresh love — the soft innocent kisses and the tender hugs. She distinctly rembered how foolishly were they in love with each other. This time-travel brought a little smile on her face — a smile with its etymology in an unknown void — a void with prickles of unanswered questions. Puffing one of his cigarettes, she got up to make some coffee. With the coffee and cigarette, she starting asking herself hurtful questions — the usual ‘what if’ ones.

One fine day, when they were not-so-together, they had a heart to heart with each other to realise they can’t be together. And Rose’s chain-of-thoughts had crash-landed her straight into this moment of abyss. On that day of realisation — there was first an eerie silence in the room followed by that-inebriated-fellow’s broken voice. The vividness with which this episode was coming alive in front of Rose, she was drowning deep and fast in the mess. With a hushed voice — he had pushed out these fragmented words — you know I’ll die waiting for you but I won’t trouble you, I shall seal the corners of my heart and lips. And in that fucking moment — Saturn had cracked and the moon was going to crush her anytime by the mass of love alone.

Love — is just a four-letter word — but how much weight does it have? After all calculations, what is the total sum of it? Nil or infinite — but what exactly are both of them — valued or not valued? Is it about sacrifices or empathy? When does empathy become sacrifice? Is it about what you read in books — spiritual connect, soulmate, longing etc etc — or do we find it in the music we hear? But you know, what Rose felt for him after he left abode was something beyond definitions — something unknown — something unanswerable. It couldn’t have contours. Those intense dreams were the questions themselves which she had to fall in love with. Did she have an other way — an answer — the answer — she wondered.

The Diary Of A Diplomatic Person

Just to be clear the Diplomat here does not refer to the official capacity of the word. Although the line of difference between the two is very blurred, we are going to dissect the anatomy of a diplomatic person – the person forever pleasing everyone by maintaining relationships and negotiating wherever possible. All of us have to be diplomatic at certain situations, however honest or blunt one may be. Like talking to your boss when he assigns you truck load of work before you go are planning a vacation. Your mind is full of abuses but you say “Yes Sir” with a smile. When your kids are fighting and you clearly know which one is at fault but you dare not take sides. Lest the other one hates you for the rest of his/her life. Now if these situations were not difficult enough, just imagine the condition of a person who has to go through the crossroads of being good or honest every single freaking day. Just imagine the amount of pressure, imaginary conversations, fights, accusations and going on in the brain of a true diplomatic person.

Contrary to what people might think and say it is NOT easy being a people pleaser. I mean yes, you easily get out of tricky situations, avoid confrontations and maintain that good person vibe but internally you are dying! Also not everyone is a people pleaser to earn brownie points or to be in the good books. Some people just can’t help being this way, it just the way they are wired. They lack the conviction in their minds and voice to put forward their opinions. Even if by some stroke of luck they manage to disagree, the manner will be so weak that the other person knows he has won the battle.
Although it may look very easy to win a battle of words with a diplomatic person but what really goes inside this persons mind is not that easy. There is a lot of could’ve, would’ve and should’ve out there! While this person tries really hard to avoid confrontations and keep everyone happy, he/she is at loss when it comes to controlling their own brain which works overtime with various thoughts, and muted screams of impatience. Avoided conversations leave behind a truck load of guilt which apart from the apparent restlessness also triggers anxiety, sleepless nights, conversations in dreams (if one manages to fall asleep) and in worst cases even depression. It is also accompanied by these side effects ranging from high blood pressure to stress and hair fall.

Image Credit- thebqb.com

Apart from mental trauma there are serious effects on the day today lifestyle as well. I mean if you are  a person who is efferent to saying no, you are more or less screwed 5 days outta 7. You are doing everyone else’s work by doing them a ‘favor’, frequency of which is increasing alarmingly. You are also working beyond your time and on weekends if required. Because since you don’t say No, everything is assumed to be a Yes. Sometimes you are meeting friends over dinner and drinks but would really want to be curled up in bed watching an old movie. Accompanying that pesky friend on shopping spree when you had planned to read that book you have been making eye contact with since months. Being in a half relationship because you just can’t break someone’s heart or bear the drama that comes with it. Pretending to smile and nod your head when you strongly disagree with someone’s religious or political views.

Can you imagine the constant control that a diplomatic person has to be in? The sheer amount of patience involved and not to forget the composure. I mean even I try to be diplomatic at times but alas I have no control over my face and expressions. My body language clearly gives away the thoughts I have going on in my mind. Hence I have a huge amount of respect for people who are so very in control of this body and mind. We may hate them at times, call them fake, weakling and what not. But we got to admit that there are some really strong qualities out there. Also at some point of time they must get so used to the drill that the side effects and mind-nagging would definitely have lesser and lesser impact on them.

Nonetheless, next time I spot a diplomatic-people-pleaser instead of the usual wrath I am going to show some respect and learn a trick or two!

Love:
Sepo

DARKNESS.

Isolation sometimes for some people becomes a necessity. Just like some people crave for company, others crave isolation. Aloofness.




There is in fact nothing wrong with being alone. It’s good to spend some with “yourself”. Trying to know one’s self. I too am a sucker for it. I lovvve (it’s not a typo, it’s my way of showing intensity!) spending time all by myself. I love my company, I love going shopping with me...! Yea..! it’s True...!

But on the other hand it has serious and severe affects on the personality traits of a person. It can lead to a condition where you can experience a fear of meeting people. Excessive isolation can lead to depression and some other psychological traumas. It creates darkness in life.





What complicates the problem is the fact that such people are just a face in the crowd, therefore difficult to separate or let’s say isolate. They are so good at creating a facade. You can never ever guess that something is wrong with them. More than often these people are common at high profile and glamor jobs. Look at someone like a Viveka Babajii, she achieved all that a girl in the modeling world could aspire for. Yet she failed in striking a healthy relationship. After a series of heart breaks, she found an easy way out of it all. To blame an estranged relation for her taken decision according to me would be a tad too harsh. The foundation of it maybe was laid way earlier, during her peak days. Insecurity, lack of friends, broken trust............

Trust once broken is hard to rebuild. When a person’s trust is broken again and again, it becomes e hard to demarcate between friends and foes. Suddenly the world seems to be a cruel place. Full of pretentions and vicious circles. Fake promises, false smiles, so called friends....... the only easy way out of this mess then seems to be ________ .( don’t need to write it down)...!

Well, many a times it is said that people who commit suicide are cowards, don’t have the guts to face difficulties... blah blah blah......! But I think that it actually takes a lot of guts and courage to take such a step. To break ties and end everything drastically. To leave behind the dreams and aspirations. People who you loved and who loved you.....! Just imagine the amount of pressure /tension on such a person who overlooks all these factors and goes ahead with the decision. Statistics clearly indicate the huge number of suicide cases in India alone.





Friends, there are a lot of people out there who need help. Guidance. Someone to talk to. Such people don’t come with a tag, you have to recognize them. They can be one of us. Maybe one of our friends.

GAY DAY........

It’s been a year today since the gay law come into light. Naa, I wasn’t keeping tabs on the date. Just came to know after a pee-a-boo into the newspaper. I know different people feel differently about the whole ordeal. The issue has been (and still is...) a ranging topic of many a debates. Some agree, others strongly oppose to it. Well, ours being a democratic country.... everyone has full right to share their views and perspective.

Similarly people also should have the freedom to live their life the way they want to (and with who-so-ever they wish to). How depressing and suffocating it must be to live your life in a facade.... pretending to be someone who you totally are not...!! Not to mention being the object of ridicule and the butt of all the jokes. I never gave this entire hullabaloo much a though, but slowly with time (and books and movies) I realized that however hard we may deny, homosexuals are a part of our society. They like us have a full right to carve a niche for themselves in the world. Many a countries have already legalized the same sex marriages. What is good to hear, is the fact that in India too “they” can now breathe freely.......!

No identity crisis, no pretensions.




This of course would not have been possible by the immense support of all the supporters. The only name I remember is of Celina Jaitley (call me glamour stuck...!) and her constant bickering with our very own Baba Ramdev Ji (who was dead against the whole thing). The whole fight scene as far as I remember was quite funny (according to me, that is...!).




Sounds and feels immensely good that our country is on the path of urbanization or should I say humanisation :)

So people, LIVE AND LET LIVE.
Ciao

LAUGH AWAY YOUR WORRIES….

These days all I see people do is worry. Worry worry and more worry. All the time, every where just worry. Students worry about exams, results, future and if not anything else, there are always “other” tensions (:P). Grown-ups worry about their jobs, ghar ki tension and inflation in prices………!!!



Coming to me… I always worry about the most stupid things, meager stuff, the things least important. In the past too I have worried about many things…. Which at that time held a lot of importance. Which was a “do or die” situation for me …then. But now, after so many years when I look back at those times…. I just smile or sometimes even laugh out loud, thinking about my stupidity. Feeling bad about the precious time I wasted fretting over stupid thinks, which don’t even matter to me now. Which don’t even have the teeniest weeniest link to the kind of life I live……!!

I guess I am no exception. This happens with everybody sometime or the other, when you sit and ponder over the situation. What I don’t understand is that what we worry about at present, the thing that is causing jitters will be nothing in near future. We will laugh over it later. So, the point that now arises is ….. WHY NOT LAUGH AT THE WORRIES NOW….??!!



I know it’s not easy….! But this is such a good idea and method to get rid of your tensions and the diseases associated with this famously called “silent killer”. Just imagine the situation, when you are really tense and worried. Stand in front of a mirror; look carefully at your face. Laugh heartily at that face full of anxieties and tension. Anxieties which hold (at most of the times) no meaning at all. Laugh at the face, take a deep breath and come back. Come back to life and do what to love. Listen to some soothing music….!!

God our heavenly father is always omnipresent to help us and is constantly guiding us towards the best. You must have seen a blacksmith working to make perfect shapes out of rot iron. The iron is first heated until red hot, hammered to get the required shape and then plunged into cold water. This process is repeated many times to get the perfect shape. Same is the case with us. We too have to undergo pressures and constant difficulties to attain that perfect aura. STRUGGLE IS IMPORTANT FOR SUCCESS.



To make fire in the big log of wood, first the weaker/smaller kindling have to be ignited. Similarly for us to stand up straight and strong our weaknesses and insecurities must be burned. So that we emerge stonger.
AFTERALL ACCORDING TO SHAHID- “THERE ARE TO FHORTCUT’S TO SUCCESS”.
p.s posted in college @ net lab

ALL ALONE.......!!

Why is that when you are all alone and desperately want someone to simply just talk to you that people somehow suddenly get all busy and have no time for you. You call them up feeling all excited and happy, thinking you will brush on your happiness and a bit of your loneliness on to them but they get “IRRITATED” by you. You get stiffed, hung up on. Feeling ridiculous and foolish. It happened to me and trust me I had no hard feelings with the person but wanted to slap myself. I am one big narcissist but at that time hated myself to the core.....

I am very sensitive and could already feel tears growing in my eyes, tears of hurt and humiliation. But I did not want to spoil my mood (and eye makeup) by crying, so I called someone else (a friend) to divert my mind. But things were definitely not on my side as that “someone else” was busy. I had no guts left to call anyone else and to stop my tears now. Actually it always happens with me... whenever I am feeling down, upset and desperately want someone to talk to I can never ever manage to do it. I don’t know what happens but somehow everybody suddenly gets busy or has no time to listen to me coz of other important issues.

So here I am crying my heart out, when a few minutes ago I was all happy and excited about my birthday and all I wanted was to talk to a person. Seems entirely another time now. Do hell with this birthday now. I hate everyone (me included). Thank god for my blog, atleast now there a place which is entirely mine and where I can come whenever I want to, and write whatever I wish to without irritating or disturbing anyone. And I swear on my blog I will make myself soo strong that I will never ever need anybody to support me (emotionally). I myself am/will be self sufficient and will take good care of myself.

Can’t tell you how much better I feel now, after pouring my feelings into words.....
p.s this post has been written under a raining spell of tears, I don’t have the energy left for checking errors. So excuse any mistakes or grammatical errors.

memories... ;)

I have been meaning to write this post since a long long time. But never got the opportunity to do the same as it involved recapturing a lot of stuff. Nevertheless, I present to you this very very special story.

It’s basically about a childhood friend of mine who I would not like to name so let’s just call her Ms M. Now Ms M had been seeing this guy (also a very good friend of mine) for quite some time now. And things were going okay between the two of them. Until of course we came to know through some source (which skips my mind..!) that the guy was kinda two-timing her. Now this piece of news had us all (gang of girls) fuming. We were pissed off and mad like hell. And poor Ms M couldn’t believe.

There is something about two timer guys that exposes the dangerous side of any “gentle” and “touch-me not-I might-get hurt” kinda girls. We being no different decided to get even with the guy but of course in STYLE...!! Meetings were held, notes were made, dialogues were written and the whole thing was scripted and named “OPERATION THA THA”. The whole thing basically was on the shoulders of K (an important member of the gang) and ME. Our role in the operation was that of a catalyst, we had to ignite the fire on the other side. We were supposed was to gain the guy’s confidence and use it against him (simple enough...duh..!). Meanwhile M was getting all sentimental, but was strong and directive: P

I being the catalyst got to hear the other side of the story as well and my heart at one point kinda melted for the guy but the girls (including M) would hear none of it, the cat was out of the bag now. And we stuck.... big time. Using all the info we had gathered M dumped him. But it wasn’t easy for her as she loved him a lot and it wasn’t easy for us to see her suffering. But M is such a sport... she even gave us a BREAKUP PARTY....!!!

And then came the big turn, a big big big U turn...
M was out of station immediately after her breakup and I wasn’t in touch with her for quite some time. It was during this time the guy went ahead and caught up with M. Sorted out all the differences and was with her AGAIN. I came to know all this much later. And we also came to know the fact that the information (about two timing) was vague. It so turned out that someone told someone and that someone told someone else and someone else passed it to somebody who told us about it. And the information while getting passed on in this chain got all mixed matched together leading to a series of miscommunications and misunderstandings.
So K and I ended up looking like big fools. But when I look back at it I laugh, thinking about those meetings, those serious looks that wonderful breakup party where I gorged a whole pizza all by myself...!! And the best part is that my love buds are still together and rocking. The guy forgot all about the flop operation and my role in it (thank god for that...!). As they say “All Is Well That Ends Well”.

It ended on a good, bright note... bringing the love buds closer
Love you both and S (part 2) :P

BEAT THE BLUES (girls)...!!!

The maddening pace of this so called competitive life saps out the energy, funk quotient (I have no idea whether such a term exits..!!) and zeal to “live” out of any babe. And it has its long list of side effects as well. To name a few we have topping the list..... Depression... yes the most talked about illness these days!!. And hell why to blame just the fast pace of life of this?!! There are “N” numbers of reasons to drive you nuts
1. Meeting those dreaded deadlines
2. BF troubles
3. Homesickness
4. Weight issues
5. Acne
6. PMS (damn)
7. Nothing to wear (this problem is universal)
8. Chipped nails

.....
.....
And the list continues..........

We all have days when our spirits go down to hit an all-time low. But do not sit and brood. Get up grab your sexiest dress and those highest heels and that brightest of bright make-up and VOILA....welcome back...!!!
Yes it is a proven fact that dressing up is successful in killing those bad mood bugs. Its psychological, you concentrate and take control over the situation. You pay attention to every detail which makes you feel that you are the priority, immediately lifting up energy levels and kicking out the blues (only to be replaced by happier, brighter hues).

When you look good, you feel good and when you feel good, you look good, it’s all interconnected you see...!!! :P So whenever those mood swings occur, make some “me” time, doll up and conquer..!!!

Mariam, laila and me....!!

Nobody is spared from testing/troubling times. Everybody has their ups and downs. And all of us have some or the other means by which we overcome them. Some cling to positive, reassuring thoughts; some find solace in prayer.....!!

From the past 3,4 years I have found my strength in MARIAM and LAILA. They are my companions, my soul mates. I understand them totally. Whenever I am in any trouble I just close my eyes and think... think about what mariam/ laila would do if in a situation like mine. May sound strange but it works for me..!!

Thinking about mariam gives me oodles and oodles of PATIENCE. Patience even when nothing is going right and even when ur totally hopeless and shattered. MARIAM inspires me to forgive. The greatest virtue a women can posses is FORGIVENESS she says. Love thy enemy she tells me..!!

Laila gives me the strength. A strength which no man can dare to challenge. Strength to stand up against the wrong, to sacrifice your happiness, your dreams and aspirations so that others can be happy. The strength to go on living a hell of life inspite of losing everything...

Thinking about them makes me sober, less aggressive and I just count my blessings and thank god each day. I have all that they never had and yet I can never ever dream to have what they had....!!

Its one of my wishes to go AFGANISTAN at some point in my life. To search for a mariam in Herat or a laila in Kabul..!! I know I will find them there...........!!

P.S mariam and laila are the main protagonists of a story called  A THOUSAND SPLENDID SUNS (based in afgainistan) written by khaled hossieni.